Bob's Very Bad Advice Column Home

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Dear verybadadvice
I made a really selfish and stupid mistake awhile ago, and I tried to keep it a secret so it wouldn't hurt my online rep. But people found out, and they keep bringing it up. What should I do?

Sincerely,
R.J.


Dear R.J.
Whatever you do, don't act like you did anything wrong. Act defiant. Act righteous. And you know what? If it is at all possible, you should find out who these people are that keep bringing it up, and you should sleep with various members of their family. Their fiancés as well. Maybe even their pets. I mean, if they're going to get on your case about something, it might as well be something really assholish, right? Right. Hell yeah. Go to town. What's the worst that could happen? They call you on it on the internets? You've already got that problem!

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Dear verybadadvice,
My cats seem pretty carefree and generally healthy! But what if they might get sick at some point in the future? Should I start treating them for stuff they might get later now?

Signed,
minoverysmart

Dear Minov,
That sounds like the question of a very devoted and intelligent pet owner, and I'm proud of you for thinking ahead of time for potential problems that could arise in the future. The answer of course is yes. There is no greater boon to the immune system of anyone than being all chock full of what the body needs to fight it's problems before the problems even arise. I suggest getting some hardcore feline leukemia medicine, probably some antibiotics (human size will probably work if you cut the dosage based on weight difference!), and if your cat is over the age of 1 month, it's probably okay for you to start throwing some deworming medicine at it the same way you feed fish. Put it in the food, water, whatever. You want those worms sick and dead as soon as possible after they enter the cat's body, or are born there, or however it works. If they get a little bit sick, it justifies the medicine. Just imagine how sick they'd be if you hadn't given them anything!

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Dear....well, okay, stolen.
I did theatre work as a costumer for our school theatre program. Met a bunch of cool people there. This was like, two years ago.

Two years later, I'm working in the office and I lock myself out. So I go to the Police dispatcher's office and the dispatcher is one of the boys from the theatre program. We chat a bit and he wants to know if we wanna go do lunch some time. kay. NERD ALERT ONE: I totally think " OH! it'll be great to see an old theatre buddy"

Um. today he called me and I'm not sure but I think he offered dinner but I'm not sure and he's in the reserves so he's gonna be gone for three weeks so this is even more confusing.

ANYWAY: if you were that boy in that situation: how would you want to be told the girl had a boyfriend? I have his email address and I don't know how to be like "I'm trying to not be presumptuous but at the same time trying to not make this awkward, but I have a boyfriend and I just wanted to clear that up and hello"? Or is email TOTALLY a bad call? cause I'm horrible horrible on the phone about this sort of thing but it might be more upstanding.

Sincerely, Help in Houston!

Dear HiH,
Why tell him at all? I mean, if he had wanted to know you had a boyfriend, surely he would have asked. And on the rare possibility that he would care - telling him now would just cause more drama than it's worth. And if he's a police dispatcher, he might use that anger against you if you ever had to call again. Can you imagine the problems inherent with calling the police dispatch system and not being totally sure if they could or would actually help you? It's DANGEROUS to tell him now.

My advice to you is to just not tell him. And don't tell your boyfriend either. You don't want him to know that you're going out with someone - even if it's for the best - let's keep the drama at a minimum. I suggest just playing along until you find some way to end it amicably - so that you come out friends. Go to dinner with him, see a movie, whatever. Give it up on the first date if you like him at all, make it seem real. If you're convincing enough, you might get special or preferrential treatment from the cops!

Look, I'm going to be honest. As a female, you are naturally gifted with certain wiles. Don't waste them!

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Dear verybadadvice,
There's a guy outside my apartment. He says he's delivering flowers, but he has a ski mask and a heavy looking gun with him, and no flowers. Should I put on pants before I open the door?

Sincerely,
cloverest


Dear She Who Would Murder Art,,
I talked to my man on the street (his name is Troy), who is clearly in the know, and he informed me that "flowers" is street slang for "condoms." He gave me several crude examples involving pistils, stigmas and petals that I won't repeat here, but he's never let me down before. I trust his expertise on the matter.

If he were to carry the condoms out in the open, he would likely be mobbed and robbed of his latexy posessions in a matter of minutes. This is obviously why he carries a gun; to vehemently defend his rubbers from all those that would attempt to take them by force. I've heard they're worth a fortune on the black market. And I'm sure the ski mask is for warmth. That's why they make them, you know!

So you've clearly ordered some condoms, which is all well and good. While they're not as effective (as I've stated numerous times) as "the rhythm method" or "pulling out" as a means of contraception, they DO enhance the sensation of the act. And that's why I recommend them.

The option of pants is up to you. If you want to go put on pants and risk losing access to an untold number of free propholactics, then by all means, go cover yourself up. But if you ask me (and you clearly did!), I say you open the door as soon as possible. Odds are good that what you'll be using these "flowers" for you won't need pants anyway. Besides, it just seems appropriate to go commando when you're meeting a man with a gun.

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Dear Bob's Very Bad Advice Column,
I have this problem in that I just can't go away. Everyone wants me to go away, but I keep coming back. I'm like a bad, retarded, unstable penny that keeps showing up "insane douchebag" instead of heads or tails when you flip me. I need to reboot my life. What advice can you give me for help?

Sincerely,
Going Insane, Lying, Dumb-Ass Shithead.

Dear GILDAS,
It sounds like your problems are pretty hefty. There's a lot that's wrong with your life, you don't know where to start to get it back on track. Clearly, the first thing you should do is fake a suicide attempt. I suggest buying some altoids and stuffing a few hundred in your mouth, and then leave about thirty or firty near you before you're found. Chew once or twice, and then pretend to pass out. I figure there's a 25% chance that someone who doesn't know you finds you first and calls 911 instead of throwing a party. Once the joke wears off and everybody is laughing about it (or at least the thought that it might have been real) give it time, and you've got all the pity you need to get back onto the train that can get you near the taxicab to respectland. If that doesn't work, I don't know what else I can suggest, except that maybe not faking it at all is a not-totally-out-of-the-realm-of-possibilites option.

Keep it real, and remember that deportation only sucks when you go to countries with civil unrest.

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Current Mood: better

I was going to quit it just for good, but I might as well finish up what's left.

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Hey there Bob,
I live in an attached house and my next-door neighbours keep playing really loud music at 3am to 5am every single night! I asked them to turn it down but they just swore at me and told me to get off their land. What can I do?

Deaf in Doncaster.

Dear DiD
There's nothing quite as exhilirating as a fun, fairly harmless prank war between you and your attached-house neighbor. It sounds like he's already started - so feel free to go upscale to begin your part of the game. Key "loud music is fun to sleep to!" on the hood of his car, or send him a letter with the same message, with a picture of decapitated animal attached to it. Or you could have sex with his wife. For the best results, I suggest varied combinations.

He'll most likely follow with a prank of his own, and you'll return fire until someone one-ups the other to death, or the police intercede. Either way, whoever pulled the last prank wins! And that's all that matters. Plus, you'll sleep better at night.

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Dear Bob,
I have a serious aversion to feet, but my husband wants me to lick his toes. What should I do?

Not a Toe-Sucker in Tuscaloosa

Dear NaTsiT
You could tell him that you're into something crazy and do a "scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" shtick. Like, you can tell him that you're seriously turned on by dismembered penises, and that you'll be happy to cater to his needs, if he'll cater to yours. This is made much effective with an old, dull, rusty knife and some ketchup and/or maple syrup splattered on to it.

The bad side of this is the small possibility that he could call your bluff, and then you can't back down. Otherwise you'll be sucking toes until death do you part.

Another option (though messy) would be to acquiesce to his whims, and then try and deep throat the toes until you puke. If successful, then the result should guarantee no more requests for foot-in-mouth fun. Of course, if unsuccessful - potential death. But depending on the revulsion level, that could be a positive result. Who knows?

Different strokes for different folks.

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Dear Bob,
I have a terrible problem, although I love my girlfriend very much, I can't help but feel a greater attraction towards my female best friend. I don't know if the feelings are mutual or not but it seems that we flirt more than anything. My girlfriend is currently in a private all girl's academy and won't be back for six months, what should I do?

Signed,
Wondering in Lala Land Over Women

Dear WiLLOW!
The mind of the female is often a complicated and much-misunderstood thing by the male gender. It takes a man that's very much in touch with his sensitive side to consistently be able to understand and sympathize with women and their needs. Luckily, you did the smart thing and asked advice before you dove in to the deep end with concrete shoes no less than five minutes after eating dinner!

Now, the first thing you want to do is find out if your best friend has the same feelings towards you. You don't want to insult her, and you want subtle probes to make sure that if it's just harmless flirting, you're still friends when it's over. I suggest doing this by asking her to come over and pretending like you just came out of the shower. Then, act surprised and "trip" into her. If what comes next is natural, hot and heavy lovemaking- then you're already on the gravytrain to sexville. Another good idea is to spill something that stains badly on her. Then, while she's still in shock, tell her she needs to get those off quickly - and I think you see where I'm going - just like she will.

Since your "girlfriend" is MIA for six months, feel free to tell your friend that she died. Or is in a coma. Cross that bridge when you come to it - six months from now. She's probably getting all she needs from her school, if you catch my drift. If she calls, tell her that your friend is your live-in maid. Once she gets back, I can give you more advice on how to work your leverage into a potential three-way love tryst dreamland.

And if none of this is successful, it can't hurt to stalk a little.

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j0 B0b!
Ok, these punk biatches at Blizzard are tryin to fuxx0r me totallly! Dey banned me for dupin' shit in Diablo 2 and now I can't play the fuckin' ghey game!! I was thinkin' I could totally r0xx0r them wit a hack or sommet liek that but I dunno, is der anyfing better I could d0? Cheers M8

l33t in London

Dear liL
I receive letters like yours on a daily basis here at the VBA home base of operations. Unfortunately, I've never played Diablo 2, nor am I fully aware of what "Blizzard" is, other than a large snowstorm. So I'm admittedly in a bit of a pickle as to how to answer your question.

Since I don't like to answer anything without all the pertinet info, I decided to call the weather channel to get more information on the problem. I received an automated message - another roadblock since I didn't have time to wait for an expert to call me back. However, I like to think the conversation would have gone something like this:

"Hi, Weather Channel here. This is Mitzi speaking. What can I do for you?"
"Hi Mitzi, this is VBA with an important question for you."
'I'm ready!"
"Would you go out with me? I'm very lonely."
"I would love to. I'll pick you up and pay for your dinner after I get done with my modeling shoot,"

So, based upon this, my advice to you is to attempt to mate with your copy of Diablo 2. Wining and dining never hurts in this process, though roofies are the coward's way out. That will not only show your dedication to the game and to Blizzard, but will also give you pleasure in the process. good luck, and remember to be gentle.

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Dear Bob.
I have a wee dilema. One of my friends tends towards "stoutness". It appears that the holiday season has taken it's toll on his wasteline. This is acceptable, as it happens to the best of us. However, the real problem is what it is doing to his clothes. His pants are often far too tight. The real nightmare is when he bends over. It's like a cornocopia of gaping, cavernous, asshole, eating my soul, it's EATING MY SOUL.

My question to you is how to tactfully bring up the fact that his fat ass is falling out of his jeans at all hours of the day.

- Signed
Say No To Crack

Dear SNtC,
I've found that the best way to clue someone in on the weight issue with as much gentless and subtlety as possible is public embarassment and/or humiliation. The bigger the spectacle, the more grateful in the long run your friend will be - because it will force them to lose that much more weight in order to look themselves in the mirror. Consider pantsing him on national television, or putting a billboard of his sweaty crack up with the byline: "HEY (INSERT NAME)! LOSE SOME WEIGHT, LARDASS!" It would be equally as polite to go and purchase some weight loss programs and special surgery information, hand it over, and tell them that they owe you one. Those ones eventually pay off in the long run!

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Dear Bob,
I was sat at the movies with my friend Jeff the other day when I felt his hand grab mine. I was totally shocked and pulled it away. He said something like "Oh sorry, I forgot who I was with!" and it seemed ok, then yesterday he turned up at my door wearing nothing but his underpants and a sign saying "I want you babe." I'm flattered but I'm not gay! Help me Bob!

Signed,
Not Gay, Honestly. Seriously, ask all my past girlfriends, they'll tell you. I'll give you their numbers, just ask. Yep, not gay me, I like the girls. Yep, that's me Definately Not Gay in Gladstone

Dear NGHSaampgttyIgytnjaYngmIltgYtmDNGiG,
What better way to prove you're not gay than to fuck another man? If you can do that, and still not be attracted to men - then you've proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're not gay. What's more, when Jeff sees how little it meant to you emotionally, he'll immediately understand and not push it any further. If you're kind of unsure that you've gotten the point across, unemotional spooning post-coitus will hammer it home more than the actual hammering ever could. Be firm, but fair - both during and after. By the next time you two meet in a sketchy bar setting, everyone will get along like fat kids and candy bars.

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Dear Bob:
Cream or Sugar?

Distressed in Carrolton, Kentuck

Dear DiCK
Neither! All the hip kids these days go for Rat Poison - and it adds a tang in your beverage that just wasn't there before. If it's still too tart for you, and you just can't stand it, throw in some dairy creamer.

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Dear Bob:
I've got an odd dilema facing me. Yesterday I got a call from a headhunting agency and it turns out they want me to be a part of a special team they're putting together. This is all well and good but they want me to move about 300 miles! I tried to tell them I couldn't take the job like that but they thought I was saying I'd take it! Eek! What can I do to tell them I can't take the job, I don't want to get them angry or disappoint them!

Distressed in Darlington.

Dear DiD,
If they weren't aware of your current location - the easy solution is to tell them that you were taken hostage by dirty perverts, and dragged 300 miles in an unmarked vehicle while blindfolded and then violated repeatedly in every conceivable way.

This will achieve three goals.

1. It will gain you some "recovery time" so that they understand when you don't show up on the day you are required.
2. Once your recovery time is over, it will allow you to exit from this position gracefully and with a potential letter of recommendation for bravely defeating your inner demons. If worst comes to worst and they still want you - you can claim that your experience was entirely too much for you to handle sanely. They will understand.
3. It'll make for a good story to tell at parties.

If you're uncomfortable with lying - you could always hire some dirty perverts to actually carry out the unpleasantries so you don't have to lie.

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Dear Bob,
I have been smoking for over 14 years, and lots of people in my life tell me that I should quit. I mean, I've had complete strangers tell me that cigarettes are bad for me and I should quit. The problem is, I don't want to quit. I like to smoke. I realize that cigarettes might be bad for me, but I just don't care. What should I do?

Crazy Lungs in Texas

Dear Female Love Tissue,
Look, if all those people told you to jump off a bridge, would you do that? I didn't think so. Just because a lot of random people that may or may not include the Surgeon General say that smoking is bad, that doesn't make it true. Science tells us that the best way to come to a conclusion from a hypothesis is to experiment. I suggest you experiemnt, and smoke to your heart's content. If at the end of your experiment you find that you're coughing black stuff out your lungs - then at least you know for sure that those people were right - and you did it your way. It's like Vegas - you throw down your bet - and maybe you get it taken away - and sometimes you get back double. Smoking could double your lifespan! Then, on THEIR deathbed, you could blow fresh, life-giving smoke into their face and chuckle.

Or you can be a pansy wussy yes-man and do everything that people tell you to do - and if you go that route, I just pray you never go to prison.

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Dear Bob,
I am in a service industry. I deal with people all day, every day. I have one client that I just don't like. There's nothing specific, I just don't like her. How do I make her stop coming into my shop?

Sincerely,
Hatin' in Helena

Dear HiH,
You could take a picture of her, and put it up on a dartboard in your shop. Make sure she sees it, with numerous puncture holes in the face. Explain to her that it's symbolic or tell her that it's practice. You could go the voodoo route - and ask for pieces of her hair or teeth while violently stabbing a voodoo doll with her picture on it. Or you could even combine them if you wanted to make sure the message got across.

Or you could try to kill her in real life - but make sure you kill anyone that sees you kill her - or anyone that knows she was going to your shop. Use this only as a last resort.

All in all, it's not too hard, but if you want to make sure you never see her again you're going to have to get your hands messy.

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Dear Lazy Bob,
Why are you so lazy? I've been sitting here for almost 64 hours waiting for you to give someone else Very Bad Advice and what do I get? Nothing! What the fuck? Are you all out of bad advice? If that's not the case, please advise me on what to do, because I'm running out of options here.

Sincerely,
Angry, Surly, Sarcastic, Hungry, and Tired in New England

Dear ASSHAT in NE,
My advice for you is to pay a lot more attention to this column, and let it's consistency decide whether or not your life is worth living. Try and interpret specific messages meant for you in generic advice - and try and then apply that advice to your daily routine. Don't be easy on yourself - and when you fail, come to the realization that I'm very very disappointed in you.

And then cut yourself.

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Dear Bob,
So yesterday I was with my girlfriend and things were getting a little naughty and she asked me to talk dirty to her. I tried my best but I don't think she was really that happy. I'd never done it before, except to porn mags and they can't give you damning looks, so I think I must have been really bad at it. Is there any way I could practice or learn it? Or maybe change her mind off it? None of my friends have been any help at all! Please!

Dirtyless in Dorchester

Dear DiD,
I suggest trying it on random people in public places - like a mall or a church. If you can say it to a stranger walking by, or a priest, then you can say it someone in private with ease! As it gets easier, get louder and louder. Before you know it, you'll be able to talk about anything you want whenever and wherever you want. The bedroom, the bathroom, the kitchen table, and sometimes in the backyard.

If that doesn't work, ask someone you trust to help you out - like say your mom or your dad.

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Hello Bob,
With trust, I write this message to you, I found your e-mail address while I was doing a private research on the internet for a God fearing minded person that could help me out of my situation.

My name is Dunga Steven, the eldest son of Mr.Dennis Steven from the Republic of Zimbabwe. During the current war against the white farmers in Zimbabwe by the supporters of President Robert Mugabe in his effort to chase all the white farmers out of the country.

All white farmers to surrender their farms to his party members and his followers. My father was one of the most successful farmer in my country, but he did not support the idea of disposessing the white farmers of their land, for this reason his farm was invaded and burnt by government surpporters.

In the course of the attack, my father was killed, and the invaders made away with a lot of items from my Father`s Farm. And our family house was utterly destroyed.

My mother died of hypertension. Before the death of my father, he drew my attention to a the sum of US$20.5 million, which he deposited with a Security Company in Amsterdam during his tenure as the Finance Minister of Zimbabwe.

My sister and I decided to move out of Zimbabwe for our own safety because our lives were in danger. We decided to move to The Netherlands where my father deposited this money to seek for assyllum which we were finally granted. Till date the Security Company were not aware of the content of the consignment because the fund was securely coded while my father used his diplomatic immunity to deposit the consignment as an important personal valuables.

I now decided to have contact with any person/firm that will assist me to move the money out of Holland. This becomes necessary for me because as a political asylum seeker, you are not allowed to own or operate any bank account. Kindly indicate your interest if you accept this proposal by receiving this fund on our behalf. The account required for this project can either be personal, company ot offshore account, over which you have a total control.

I am willing to give you 20% of the entire amount for assisting us to move this money out, 70% of this amount shall be for us and the remaining 10% shall be mapped out for expenses incurred in the course of the transaction.

I want you to confirm immediately your interest in the project via this email so that as soon as I get your response, i will give you more details on how we can proceed from here. This is more confidential as myself and mysister`s life are in danger.

Thanks for your anticipated cooperation. I await your Urgent response.

Best regards,
Dunga Steven.

Dear Dunga Steven,
Your plight is apparently not as unique as it appears - as I've received several e-mails from someone (your sister maybe? Dunga Sally?) with very similar problems. I noticed that your father was simultaneously the Finance Minister of Zimbabwe and also one of it's most successful farmers - an impressive and probably taxing feat. I imagine this left little time for you and your sister - which would explain why you seem to show more compassion for your deceased parents' money than you apparently ever did for them.

Furthermore, I notice that you never state that the money was ever intended to be yours, which is more than a little alarming - and combined with several other logic discrepancies - it makes me question the validity of your claim.

So please temper my advice with the understanding that I hate you.

My advice is to go to hell. As fast as you can, and don't look back. Take your sister and as many relatives as you can with you. And film it. Just to show it to all the other stupid people in Zimbabwe. And Botswana for that matter too. Can't be too careful.

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Dear Bob:
I have a passing interest in reading comic books and playing video games all the time, but I worry that such activities will engulf my attention enough to derail me from my ongoing campaign to ready myself for a run for president within the next 20 years. Can you advise me on the best way to mix business and pleasure? Also, are there any comics or video games that contain morals or lessons that can become guidelines for my future political career?

Faustian Foul-mouth From Franklin

Dear Quadruple-F,
Well historically, for the President at least, the best ways to mix business and pleasure involve illegal acts. You know...drinking, smoking, sniffing, stealing and the like. And let's not forget vacationing. Without extensive experience in all these fields, I'm afraid that you'll have about as much chance of being President as a female Al Sharpton. The upside is that whichever lucrative field of experience you're looking to gain experience in- odds are good that you can flip through a comic book or play a video game at the same time! Some comics books are actually better when read on vacation... or crack, or so I've heard. Winkwink.

So my advice is to pile up as many drugs as possible, head out to the liquor store and pile up there too. Call in to work, especially on a day in which your presence is needed, like say, a war is going on - and say you're going to be out for a week - and head up to a vacation spot. Steal some comic books and maybe a game system and some games - and start preparing to be the Prez. Invite at least one friend so that there's someone you can sleep with while there. (and who can talk to the tabloids about it later!)

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Dear Bob,
So yesterday my dad came into my room and told me to pack up and get out! I was like, OMG! WTF! It was sooooo crap. He says I have a week to move out but I dunno where to go! I tried my friends but they all there's no room. I'm thinking of sleeping in the office! Can I get back in my Dads good books or will I have to find somewhere?!

29 and Gonna be Homeless in Hartchester!

Dear 29 and GbHiH,
I recommend that you fake your own death, in your room, and in a particularly grisly or messy way. When all the weeping, police reports, and the funeral are over - show back up one day and claim it was a nasty ketchup spill and a big misunderstanding while you took some time to re-evaulate your life. Your dad will be so relieved that you didn't go to your grave with such nasty last words, that he'll have to take you back in! This is also a good time to hit him up for a loan if you want to go there too.

If you've already done this, DO NOT ATTEMPT IT AGAIN - as it won't work twice. Try and fake someone you love's death instead - or actually kill someone if you really want the goods.

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